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Like that, but a glass door... fuck you

Nebraska—Popular UFC fighter Houston Alexander has certainly had a rough go of things as of late. Emerging as a ferocious contender in the stacked light heavyweight division with first round destructions of Keith Jardine and Alessio Sakara, the alien-headed fighter has since lost his aura of invincibility. Officially 0 for 3 in his last three outings against Thiago Silva, James Irvin and most recently Eric Schafer; MMAjerk has gotten word that he lost his fight against… his ordinary household objects.

Houston Alexander was quietly relaxing in his backyard hammock late, yesterday evening when he awkwardly fell off of it. The hammock wrapped around the fighters arm causing it to put him in a makeshift kimura, which he had no idea how to get out of, and obviously no idea how to defend. After several hours his oldest daughter finally found him screaming for help and quickly helped her father out of the hammocks grasp.

Storming into the house in an embarrassing rage Alexander failed to realize the sliding glass door was indeed closed and power walked straight into it where the light heavyweight was knocked unconscious… again. His daughter would not confirm if he argued with her or not on the validity of the stoppage so we’re forced to assume he did.

 Albuquerque—Karo “The Heat” Parisyan was asked to leave a local gym where he was doing a seminar when an overwhelmingly horrid body odor the popular fighter possessed caused the members to hurl and curse their mothers.

“Don’t they know who I am bro?” Karo told MMAjerk journalists through a furious unibrow earlier toay. “These idiots have no idea what I could do to them.” Karo reportedly tried to coast the owner of the gym outside for a fight, but the owner wanted to avoid getting any of the terrible stink on himself and declined as politely as he could. It is widely believed that Karo would have won a boring decision if the owner did indeed fight him.

We here at MMAjerk try not to report on these disgustingly stereotypical stories, but we’ll make exceptions for Mr. Parisyan and his cheap shot taking family members that finally end up getting what’s coming to them. *Cough* Manny Gamburyan *cough*

Las Vegas—A list of companies that will hold sponsor space on Randy Couture’s shorts at UFC 91 has been released. Only MMAjerk has gotten access to this list.

• Viagra
• Fiber One Cereal
• AARP
• Life Alert(word on the street is that they’re shelling out huge piles of cash to be able to have him wear one in the ring)
• Dr. Henry Allen Phist-Proctologist
• Sunbeam Prunes

This just in, we’re huge, unoriginal dickheads… like Karo Parisyan ba dum cha!

Las Vegas—MMA icons Mask, Punkass and Skyscrape of the Tapout Crew filed for mental disability earlier this afternoon. A social worker named Hugh Simmons forced the trio to take an accredited IQ test when the member Skyscrape was seen jamming a fork into one of the electrical outlets at a local McDonalds. Mr. Simmons spoke to only MMAjerk about the situation.

“I walked up and asked them ‘who’s suppose to be watching you guys?’ They gave me a blank stare and acted as if the one with the afro and the jockstrap worn on the outside of his pants jamming metal objects into the outlet was the most natural thing in the world. The one with the face paint laughed hysterically. At that point I took them to a local psychologist where the tests were given,” said Mr. Simmons obviously concerned. This was the first time any of them had ever taken an IQ test or any test for that matter.

The results were released earlier this morning where it was discovered that a whopping 213 IQ points exist between the three members. Punkass, obviously the brains of the group, got the highest score with 76; Mask followed with a 72, and no surprises here with Skyscrape scoring a gentleman’s 65.

We here at MMAjerk were really pulling for Skyscrape to be some sort of retarded savant, but the psychologist that administered the test said he was clearly just severely retarded. You can’t win them all we suppose.

The kind hearted Hugh Simmons was unanimously voted to be the groups new caregiver. Tapout will also be releasing Tapout plastic helmets for retarders in late October.

Las Vegas—All the glory to Jesus Christ for finally telling The Ultimate Fighter season one winner Diego Sanchez to tone it down a little. Jesus told MMAjerk, “It’s just embarrassing. How that can guy can think that I’m actually helping him in some bizarre way to mercilessly beat another man? Is he retarded? Seriously? I’m not trying to be mean I’m being dead serious.”

When asked if he would still like Diego Sanchez as a follower Jesus said, “His devotion to me is remarkable. You know what we call people like that? Zealots. He’s the type of person that flys planes into buildings. Sorry for the tasteless remark, but look at him. He can worship Satan for all I care, if he would just please please please keep my name out of his mouth.”

When reached for comment Sanchez said, “You know man if he didn’t want me to say that he wouldn’t make me say that, you know man? Praise all glory to Jesus Christ,” obviously not getting what Jesus had to say at all… you know man?

Japan—All was not lost for Mirko Filopovic following his no contest bout with Alistair Overeem. Now having the undisputed, toughest nutsack in MMA, Cro Cop will be releasing his patented ATJ Lucko jockstraps early next month.

Overeem was given a yellow card following the third and final knee to the Croations testicles. It was too late though as the Croat’s balls were knocked inside his body and he was down for good. Cro Cop is no stranger to this sort of abuse as he was repeatedly kneed in the baby maker by Frenchman Cheick Kongo back at UFC 75 and continued to fight on losing a unanimous decision.

The bad news is that the Dream fight promotion was not tricked as it was blatantly obvious and too much of a coincidence for this sort of thing to happen twice. Cro Cop was quickly banned from the promotion for seeking sexual gratification during the bout. Former training partners of Cro Cop’s were quick to point out that he purposefully tries to get them to “accidentally” hit him in the testicles. Fabricio Verdum commented that one time Cro Cop moved his groin right in front of an attempted leg kick of his and tried to act mad and frown, but Verdum could see him desperately trying not to grin with joy. (pictured right: Cro Cop trying to impale his nuts on Sakuraba’s foot.)

MMAjerk will keep you updated on this bizarre turn of events.

Las Vegas—MMAjerk has found out that the Versus Channel is forcing the WEC to censor their featherweight champion’s offensive second pair of butt cheeks located on his chin. Urijah Faber’s buttchin has become the unofficial mascot for the WEC and is just as synonomous with MMA as Chuck Liddell’s mohawk, Quinton Jackson’s chain, and Tito Ortiz’s skull.

We here at MMAjerk think we speak for the entire MMA watching world when we say it’s about time. Versus in an extremely fan friendly move also said if Faber comes out with cornrows again they will get the entire area above his shoulders censored.

Other organizations are expected to follow suit. UFC plans on censoring Luke Cummo’s eyebrows when he appears on SpikeTV.

MMAjerk has just received word that the UFC will not be following through with this plan because nobody would notice the censor bar. MMAjerk will keep you posted on continuing developments in this story.

Las Vegas—Right in line with Renato “Babalu” Sobral’s unsportsmanly choke of David Heath, Dana White and the UFC have decided that Nate Diaz’s speech impediment is equally offensive to the viewing and listening public. The Ultimate Fighter winner will be fined 20% of his purse.

“Yo man, thiss iss a bunth of sshit man. They all be acting like a bunth of punk bischess,” said Diaz about the fine. Natives of Stockton, California are shocked at the fine considering the Diaz brothers have among the highest IQs in the city limits at around 91.

In an act of defiance Diaz promises to start stuttering again, despite years of speech therapy to get rid of the embarrassing problem in the first place. This will only add to his repertoire of grammar and annunciation atrocities the UFC apparently frowns upon.

MMAjerk wishes Nate well on this act of misguided youthful rebellion.

Las Vegas—Ultimate Fighter winner and Mr. Congeniality Mac Danzig was banned from the American Vegan Society and PETA earlier this morning. Danzig on the show was portrayed as a strict(read annoying) vegan and compassionate to all animals including insects.

H. Jay Dinshah, the founder of the American Vegan Society, commented on Danzig’s exile, “Just by touching Mr. Guida he violated the vegan diet and philosophy I gave my life supporting.” Side note: H. Jay Dinshah died earlier this year, he was reached via Oujia Board.

Likewise Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA, had this to say, “Violently beating up a man now scientifically proven to be a Neanderthal violates everything PETA stands for. He might as well have been in there with a litter of puppies.”

Things have certainly been rough for the UFC fighter recently, but at least now he can enjoy a cheeseburger.

The Nebraska State Athletic Commission has permanently banned MMA fighter Clay Guida and overturned his decision victory over Mac Danzig. Guida did not fail drug tests of any kind, however he did fail a genetic test. Nebraska sports scientists tested Guida shortly after his victory and apparently he isn’t a Homo Sapien. Guida’s DNA matches that of a Neanderthal.

Upon further investigation it has been revealed that an actor was hired to play Guida outside the ring and for interviews due to the Neanderthals lack of an ability to speak properly. The actor has been identified as Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame. Radcliffe reportedly spent several excruciating hours putting on makeup to look the part of Guida. Radcliffe cannot be reached for comment at this time, but can finally put this acting work on his IMDb page and resume.

It is quite shocking when you look at the characteristics of the Neanderthals and compare them to Clay Guida. “They appear to have been short and broadly built with males averaging about 5 1/2 feet tall.  The jaw was strong with large teeth.  The skull is characterized by strong brow ridges.”

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A source close to both Luke Cummo and Gatorade have contacted the fine journalists here at MMAjerk to inform us that the fighter has just inked a deal with sports drink mega company Gatorade. Of course only one athlete has had this honor which of course is Tiger Woods who got his own sports drink formulated for him by Gatorade in flavors he selected. These flavors of course are Red Drive (cherry), Cool Fusion (lemon lime) and Quiet Storm (grape).

Cummo’s situation will be no different. Announced flavors for the new Cummo Gatorade will be Yellow Snow(human urine), Golden Shower(human urine), and Pee Pee(human urine).

When the CEO of Gatorade was reached for comment on the odd choice of flavor he simply said, “It’s got electrolytes!”

One more giant leap for MMA into the main stream. Cummo Gatorade will be wherever fine products are sold in late October.