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Las Vegas—Ultimate Fighter season one winner and inspiration for birth control Diego Sanchez was forced to pull out of the hotly anticipated number one contenders bout with Thiago Alves when he injured his vagina late last week. Thankfully it was merely pulled and no ovarian damage was done. Sanchez, ever the optimist, is hoping this is an act of God and is hoping to give birth to the next coming of Christ via his anus. Uhh… you go girl.

Apparently Jesus dislikes borderline retarded, religious zealots, but loves bleached haired, borderline retarded zealots of douchebaggery as Josh Koscheck will be fighting Alves for the honor to fight Georges St. Pierre or BJ Penn.

I got something in my front pocket for you.

Las Vegas—Before we start off today we here at MMAjerk feel the need to say that we do not in any way, shape or form condone rape on any scale. Unless we’re talking about the raping of mimes, Carrot Top, Charles Manson or KJ Noons. This story is so bizarre it’s hard to believe we didn’t think of it before it happened.

Joe son is best known for two things in his life-well now three if you add raping to his repertoire. Those two things are starring in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery as Random Task and getting repeatedly punched in his tiny Asian testicles by Keith Hackney at UFC 4: Ball Trauma.

TMZ reported, “Son has been charged with five felony counts of rape, two felony counts of forcible sodomy, two felony counts of sodomy in concert by force, seven felony counts of forcible oral copulation, and one felony count of sexual penetration by foreign object by force.”

We don’t know about you, but we imagine Gary Shaw knocks that out on his way to work in the morning. What ever on earth was that foreign object you ask? A firearm of course.

MMAjerk shockingly discovered that not a single reckless driving charge was given out. In your face TMZ. Stick with us kid maybe you’ll get somewhere someday.

We here at MMAjerk personally blame all the absolute degenerate pornography Japan has to offer… we… uh… heard they have some absolute degenerate porn anyways. We have absolutely no time to check in on foreign porno with all the charity work we do.

This happened way back in 1990 on Christmas Eve by the way. Do they celebrate Christmas in Japan? Getting a box of rape for a Christmas present is pretty standard stuff in Japan, we doubt this even made the news over there. We’re guessing the panties just started willingly dropping once Son got his big break as Random Task. Michael Myers unknowingly stopped nearly a decade and a half of rape.

Keith Hackney’s reputation has been repaired almost over night from the cheap-nut-shotting fucker to that awesome dude that punches gang rapists in the balls.

I got something in front pocket.

Las Vegas—Following up on his free agent status, MMAjerk decided to take a closer look at self proclaimed male KJ Noons. Noons was released by EliteXC for utterly refusing to fight Nick Diaz. We here at MMAjerk have come up with some startling revelations that explain these bitch moves. We hope his bitch face is self explanatory. Hint: he looks like a bitch.

Noons suffers from a rare disease scientifically called vaginitus, in which the male genitalia slowly gets replaced by female genitalia^{[citation needed].} Furthermore MMAjerk genealogists (fuck you spell check) discovered the Noons family hails from France. MMAjerk was able to clarify with several different sources that he also sits down to pee.

It has been scientifically proven that watching KJ Noons fight is like watching gay porno, except you don’t feel as gay after watching gay porn.

Las Vegas—After his stunning 14 second KO of Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson, Seth Petruzelli has been tapped to write a book for the popular Complete Idiot’s Guides. The book will be titled “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Beating Up Giant, Scary, Black People.” Set for a late 2009 release, the book is expected to be a best seller with Chuck Liddell expected to get the first copy.

There is no word if this is the work of Dana White forcing The Iceman to read the book so were forced to assume it is.

Gary Shaw trying not to admire and covet Tank's physique.

Las Vegas—President of the EliteXC fight promotion Gary Shaw was caught just hours ago egging UFC President Dana White’s house and car. The war of words between these two has been very much in the public eye. White went out to investigate the noise at about 10pm only to find egg all over his belongings. The police arrived several minutes later only to find Shaw two houses down huffing and puffing like he had just ran the Boston Marathon. It was later discovered that he was just a few feet away from where he parked his car to escape. We think we speak for everybody when we say what a gross, fat, embarrassing, fatty, McFat fuck.

White challenged Shaw to a boxing match to settle their score, “He can prove he has a bigger heart than fucking Tito [Ortiz] if he does that. We’ll make a similar show and I’ll even let him air it on fucking CBS and we’ll donate the money to fucking charity.”

Shaw, obviously afraid of that idea, fired back at White and challenged him to an eating contest, “If he’s so bad we’ll see if he can eat more pie than me. We can make a show about it and I’ll even let him air it on his precious SpikeTV.”

White, obviously afraid of that idea, could not be reached for further comment.

No charges were filed against Gary Shaw as Dana White felt being morbidly obese was punishment enough.

Las Vegas—In trying to keep up with the fine journalists at http://mmajunkie.com/(pffft nice name, right? *jack off hand sign*) we here at MMAjerk are proud to announce that we shall be launching a Spanish version as well. Okay that’s not exactly true, but we will be posting one article(the rest of this one) in Espanol to show that we are just as classy and cultured as they are.

*upside down question mark*Donde esta la biblioteca?

Okay we’re going to cut it short right there before we alienate and offend our one Hispanic viewer.