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This is as gay as Jon Fitch gets!

Popular AKA product, and consistently ranked #2 or #3 welterweight in the world Jon Fitch has been released from the UFC for his refusal to sign over his name and likeness to the UFC’s digitally animated, gay porno where Dana White is the pitcher and the fighters are the catchers. An offer by Pixar to create it is still in negotiations.

We here at MMAjerk support Jon Fitch and the other fighters who may let Dana White buttfuck them in real life when it comes to their pay and sponsorships, but god damnit they’re gonna draw the the line somewhere.

This just in: Jon Fitch’s fighting career no longer relevant.

Original story: http://mmamania.com/2008/11/19/jon-fitch-christian-wellisch-and-possibly-others-cut-by-ufc/

Las Vegas—Ultimate Fighter season one winner and inspiration for birth control Diego Sanchez was forced to pull out of the hotly anticipated number one contenders bout with Thiago Alves when he injured his vagina late last week. Thankfully it was merely pulled and no ovarian damage was done. Sanchez, ever the optimist, is hoping this is an act of God and is hoping to give birth to the next coming of Christ via his anus. Uhh… you go girl.

Apparently Jesus dislikes borderline retarded, religious zealots, but loves bleached haired, borderline retarded zealots of douchebaggery as Josh Koscheck will be fighting Alves for the honor to fight Georges St. Pierre or BJ Penn.

I got something in my front pocket for you.

Las Vegas—Before we start off today we here at MMAjerk feel the need to say that we do not in any way, shape or form condone rape on any scale. Unless we’re talking about the raping of mimes, Carrot Top, Charles Manson or KJ Noons. This story is so bizarre it’s hard to believe we didn’t think of it before it happened.

Joe son is best known for two things in his life-well now three if you add raping to his repertoire. Those two things are starring in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery as Random Task and getting repeatedly punched in his tiny Asian testicles by Keith Hackney at UFC 4: Ball Trauma.

TMZ reported, “Son has been charged with five felony counts of rape, two felony counts of forcible sodomy, two felony counts of sodomy in concert by force, seven felony counts of forcible oral copulation, and one felony count of sexual penetration by foreign object by force.”

We don’t know about you, but we imagine Gary Shaw knocks that out on his way to work in the morning. What ever on earth was that foreign object you ask? A firearm of course.

MMAjerk shockingly discovered that not a single reckless driving charge was given out. In your face TMZ. Stick with us kid maybe you’ll get somewhere someday.

We here at MMAjerk personally blame all the absolute degenerate pornography Japan has to offer… we… uh… heard they have some absolute degenerate porn anyways. We have absolutely no time to check in on foreign porno with all the charity work we do.

This happened way back in 1990 on Christmas Eve by the way. Do they celebrate Christmas in Japan? Getting a box of rape for a Christmas present is pretty standard stuff in Japan, we doubt this even made the news over there. We’re guessing the panties just started willingly dropping once Son got his big break as Random Task. Michael Myers unknowingly stopped nearly a decade and a half of rape.

Keith Hackney’s reputation has been repaired almost over night from the cheap-nut-shotting fucker to that awesome dude that punches gang rapists in the balls.

I got something in front pocket.

Gary Shaw trying not to admire and covet Tank's physique.

Las Vegas—President of the EliteXC fight promotion Gary Shaw was caught just hours ago egging UFC President Dana White’s house and car. The war of words between these two has been very much in the public eye. White went out to investigate the noise at about 10pm only to find egg all over his belongings. The police arrived several minutes later only to find Shaw two houses down huffing and puffing like he had just ran the Boston Marathon. It was later discovered that he was just a few feet away from where he parked his car to escape. We think we speak for everybody when we say what a gross, fat, embarrassing, fatty, McFat fuck.

White challenged Shaw to a boxing match to settle their score, “He can prove he has a bigger heart than fucking Tito [Ortiz] if he does that. We’ll make a similar show and I’ll even let him air it on fucking CBS and we’ll donate the money to fucking charity.”

Shaw, obviously afraid of that idea, fired back at White and challenged him to an eating contest, “If he’s so bad we’ll see if he can eat more pie than me. We can make a show about it and I’ll even let him air it on his precious SpikeTV.”

White, obviously afraid of that idea, could not be reached for further comment.

No charges were filed against Gary Shaw as Dana White felt being morbidly obese was punishment enough.

Like that, but a glass door... fuck you

Nebraska—Popular UFC fighter Houston Alexander has certainly had a rough go of things as of late. Emerging as a ferocious contender in the stacked light heavyweight division with first round destructions of Keith Jardine and Alessio Sakara, the alien-headed fighter has since lost his aura of invincibility. Officially 0 for 3 in his last three outings against Thiago Silva, James Irvin and most recently Eric Schafer; MMAjerk has gotten word that he lost his fight against… his ordinary household objects.

Houston Alexander was quietly relaxing in his backyard hammock late, yesterday evening when he awkwardly fell off of it. The hammock wrapped around the fighters arm causing it to put him in a makeshift kimura, which he had no idea how to get out of, and obviously no idea how to defend. After several hours his oldest daughter finally found him screaming for help and quickly helped her father out of the hammocks grasp.

Storming into the house in an embarrassing rage Alexander failed to realize the sliding glass door was indeed closed and power walked straight into it where the light heavyweight was knocked unconscious… again. His daughter would not confirm if he argued with her or not on the validity of the stoppage so we’re forced to assume he did.

Las Vegas—All the glory to Jesus Christ for finally telling The Ultimate Fighter season one winner Diego Sanchez to tone it down a little. Jesus told MMAjerk, “It’s just embarrassing. How that can guy can think that I’m actually helping him in some bizarre way to mercilessly beat another man? Is he retarded? Seriously? I’m not trying to be mean I’m being dead serious.”

When asked if he would still like Diego Sanchez as a follower Jesus said, “His devotion to me is remarkable. You know what we call people like that? Zealots. He’s the type of person that flys planes into buildings. Sorry for the tasteless remark, but look at him. He can worship Satan for all I care, if he would just please please please keep my name out of his mouth.”

When reached for comment Sanchez said, “You know man if he didn’t want me to say that he wouldn’t make me say that, you know man? Praise all glory to Jesus Christ,” obviously not getting what Jesus had to say at all… you know man?

Las Vegas—Right in line with Renato “Babalu” Sobral’s unsportsmanly choke of David Heath, Dana White and the UFC have decided that Nate Diaz’s speech impediment is equally offensive to the viewing and listening public. The Ultimate Fighter winner will be fined 20% of his purse.

“Yo man, thiss iss a bunth of sshit man. They all be acting like a bunth of punk bischess,” said Diaz about the fine. Natives of Stockton, California are shocked at the fine considering the Diaz brothers have among the highest IQs in the city limits at around 91.

In an act of defiance Diaz promises to start stuttering again, despite years of speech therapy to get rid of the embarrassing problem in the first place. This will only add to his repertoire of grammar and annunciation atrocities the UFC apparently frowns upon.

MMAjerk wishes Nate well on this act of misguided youthful rebellion.

Las Vegas—Ultimate Fighter winner and Mr. Congeniality Mac Danzig was banned from the American Vegan Society and PETA earlier this morning. Danzig on the show was portrayed as a strict(read annoying) vegan and compassionate to all animals including insects.

H. Jay Dinshah, the founder of the American Vegan Society, commented on Danzig’s exile, “Just by touching Mr. Guida he violated the vegan diet and philosophy I gave my life supporting.” Side note: H. Jay Dinshah died earlier this year, he was reached via Oujia Board.

Likewise Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA, had this to say, “Violently beating up a man now scientifically proven to be a Neanderthal violates everything PETA stands for. He might as well have been in there with a litter of puppies.”

Things have certainly been rough for the UFC fighter recently, but at least now he can enjoy a cheeseburger.

The Nebraska State Athletic Commission has permanently banned MMA fighter Clay Guida and overturned his decision victory over Mac Danzig. Guida did not fail drug tests of any kind, however he did fail a genetic test. Nebraska sports scientists tested Guida shortly after his victory and apparently he isn’t a Homo Sapien. Guida’s DNA matches that of a Neanderthal.

Upon further investigation it has been revealed that an actor was hired to play Guida outside the ring and for interviews due to the Neanderthals lack of an ability to speak properly. The actor has been identified as Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame. Radcliffe reportedly spent several excruciating hours putting on makeup to look the part of Guida. Radcliffe cannot be reached for comment at this time, but can finally put this acting work on his IMDb page and resume.

It is quite shocking when you look at the characteristics of the Neanderthals and compare them to Clay Guida. “They appear to have been short and broadly built with males averaging about 5 1/2 feet tall.  The jaw was strong with large teeth.  The skull is characterized by strong brow ridges.”

(more…)

A source close to both Luke Cummo and Gatorade have contacted the fine journalists here at MMAjerk to inform us that the fighter has just inked a deal with sports drink mega company Gatorade. Of course only one athlete has had this honor which of course is Tiger Woods who got his own sports drink formulated for him by Gatorade in flavors he selected. These flavors of course are Red Drive (cherry), Cool Fusion (lemon lime) and Quiet Storm (grape).

Cummo’s situation will be no different. Announced flavors for the new Cummo Gatorade will be Yellow Snow(human urine), Golden Shower(human urine), and Pee Pee(human urine).

When the CEO of Gatorade was reached for comment on the odd choice of flavor he simply said, “It’s got electrolytes!”

One more giant leap for MMA into the main stream. Cummo Gatorade will be wherever fine products are sold in late October.