I got something in my front pocket for you.

Las Vegas—Before we start off today we here at MMAjerk feel the need to say that we do not in any way, shape or form condone rape on any scale. Unless we’re talking about the raping of mimes, Carrot Top, Charles Manson or KJ Noons. This story is so bizarre it’s hard to believe we didn’t think of it before it happened.

Joe son is best known for two things in his life-well now three if you add raping to his repertoire. Those two things are starring in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery as Random Task and getting repeatedly punched in his tiny Asian testicles by Keith Hackney at UFC 4: Ball Trauma.

TMZ reported, “Son has been charged with five felony counts of rape, two felony counts of forcible sodomy, two felony counts of sodomy in concert by force, seven felony counts of forcible oral copulation, and one felony count of sexual penetration by foreign object by force.”

We don’t know about you, but we imagine Gary Shaw knocks that out on his way to work in the morning. What ever on earth was that foreign object you ask? A firearm of course.

MMAjerk shockingly discovered that not a single reckless driving charge was given out. In your face TMZ. Stick with us kid maybe you’ll get somewhere someday.

We here at MMAjerk personally blame all the absolute degenerate pornography Japan has to offer… we… uh… heard they have some absolute degenerate porn anyways. We have absolutely no time to check in on foreign porno with all the charity work we do.

This happened way back in 1990 on Christmas Eve by the way. Do they celebrate Christmas in Japan? Getting a box of rape for a Christmas present is pretty standard stuff in Japan, we doubt this even made the news over there. We’re guessing the panties just started willingly dropping once Son got his big break as Random Task. Michael Myers unknowingly stopped nearly a decade and a half of rape.

Keith Hackney’s reputation has been repaired almost over night from the cheap-nut-shotting fucker to that awesome dude that punches gang rapists in the balls.

I got something in front pocket.