On the 25th of August my true love gave to me… Four lame fights! Three compelling match ups! Two has-beens! And… umm… something that rhymes with “pear”… in the UFC! Fuck you that’s the best I could do. Sorry for the lack of updates I’ve been without internet and no one has fought that’s been worth writing about in nearly three weeks. Lets get right to it, shall we?

Frank Mir vs. Antoni Hardonk

Jesus Christ, just looking at those names almost made me catch narcolepsy. The only times in over the past year and a half Frank Mir has been in an exciting fight is when he’s getting his fat ass kicked, and don’t expect Antoni Hardonk to be caple of doing that. Look for this fight to go exactly like Mir vs. Dan Christison with Mir’s fat, sweaty, gross ass on top of Hardonk for three rounds. Anyone named Antoni is a fag and probably loves having gross, sweaty, fat shits on top of them for fifteen minutes anyways. Frank “The Has-Been” Mir by unanimous decision.

Roger Huerta vs. Alberto Crane

Alberto Crane will be the fifth straight UFC new comer to fight Roger Huerta. What. The. Fuck? Huerta by TKO in round number one. Maybe next time Huerta fights we can see him fight two UFC new comers at the same time.

Renato Sobral vs. David Heath

The highlight of David Heath’s career is a toss up between submitting Sean Salmon, or getting his ass kicked by Ryoto Machida for three rounds. I’ll go with the loss to Machida since even Kyle Maynard could submit Sean Salmon. Kyle Maynard was born with congenital amputation and has no elbows or knees by the way. This is Sobral’s last chance to stay in the big leagues. How does a guy who has fought Fedor Emelianenko and Kevin Randleman to decisions, and submitted Shogun Rua get KO’d by Jason “D-Cups” Lambert? I really don’t even care who wins this fight, hopefully it’s not even broadcasted. Sobral by decision.

Ryan Jensen vs. Thales Leites

Don’t know, don’t give a shit. Hopefully both of them get staph infections/cancer. Leites wins I guess.

Patrick Cote vs. Kendall Grove

Seems like these guys should be fighting on The View. Patrick Cote is so gay, don’t be surprised to see Elton John and Cher cornering him. And further more to quote Denis Leary, I’m an American I pay my taxes his name is Coat as far as I’m concerned. Kendall Grove on the other hand has been choked out by Savant Young before, how pathetic. Savant Young can’t even choke his chicken. Coat has everything a Canadian fight organization looks for. He’s gay, he’s boring, and… well… Canadian. Even though I would love to see a retard that spells “the” like “da” get KO’d it’ll be Grove by submission.

Kurt Pellegrino vs. Joe Stevenson

This fight has Joe Stevenson by guillotine choke written all over it. We all just better hope that Stevenson wins because when Pellegrino wins he like to breakdance and fuel my silent rage. Fucking moron.

Clay Guida vs. Marcus Aurelio

Clay Guida has been making a habit of turning every fight he’s in to a war. This fight shouldn’t be any exception. Marcus Aurelio is a man who has beaten Takanori Gomi twice (yes I know their second fight Gomi snagged a split decision, buy if you really think Aurelio lost that fight you need a CAT scan or are Japanese). The funny thing is that this fight is going to a decision and both of these guys have taken it up the ass when it comes to decision throughout both of their careers. Aurelio has lost only four times all by decision, three of which are split. Guida has lost three close decisions as well. Guida takes this by split decision hahahaha. Sorry Aurelio, maybe you should learn to finish fights dumbass.

Josh Koscheck vs. Georges St. Pierre

After Matt Serra made Georges St. Pierre his bitch he said he feels sorry for the next man that has to fight St. Pierre. That was probably before he knew Josh Koscheck was going to fight him because no one is going to feel sorry for Koscheck when he’s on the receiving end of a lopsided beating. Josh Koscheck may be the biggest douchebag in MMA currently. Anyone that comes out to the song “This is Why I’m Hot” and with hair that looks like it has been freshly urinated on needs to be repeatedly punched in the balls and poked in the eye. Lets just hope St. Pierre doesn’t leave his “riddum” or his testicles in the locker room this time.

Randy Couture Vs. Gabriel Gonzaga

I thought the Neanderthals were extinct. Yeah I know they’re dumb, but they’re as strong as a silver back gorilla and as fast as a horse, how the hell is this fight fair? Oh, that’s Gabe Gonzaga? Whoops. I’m sorry, but am I the only one that thinks kicking a lazy, out of shape, not training in a cage Mirko Cro Cop in the head is not that big of a deal? Sure Randy Couture may be old, he may be constipated while he fights, but if he pushes this fight past the second round he’s gonna win. Couture by TKO late in the fifth round.